I was constantly scared of what will happen next if I’ll make that choice, if I’ll go in that direction. Wondering and wondering until I got tired and sometimes I gave up. How will the right path for me look like? I will never know if I will only stuck at the wondering phase. I must take action, but how can I gain strength? How can I have the courage to try and keep trying without looking back? My body feels so weak, drained by all my thoughts and scared to move forward. It is stuck and my muscles are petrified. The fight is against myself, my own enemy that won’t let me evolve into a better version and that’s keeping me captive. I must defeat the one person I always relied on. How can I do that? How do I win a fight against my own persona?
It takes a lot of self awareness to get to a stage where you realize and accept that the things you thought right were no longer that way, that what you believed in was no longer the foundation of today. To acknowledge all of that is hard, but it’s also a big step forwards. A small beginning I might say, that pushes you into a new journey of self discovery. Don’t rush and take the time to learn and accept the changes you want to make. If you push yourself too hard you might fail and end up right where you started.
I lived in denial for the most part of my life. Constantly complaining and making excuses, hiding in my comfort zone and accepting that it was OK to be like that. That would only last for a short while and it was only a matter of time until the cycle would begin again, when all those emotions would seize me once more. I was trapped by my own mind, by my own thoughts. It was like someone pushed a self destruction imaginary button and left me in a locked room. And that someone was ME! I pushed the button every time, witnessing my own descent into a pool of dust. No other culprit to blame, no one else around.
The turning point was when I decided I cannot live any longer like that. The world I was creating was toxic and was suffocating my mind. I couldn’t see the damage I was doing because my vision was blurry and covered with a veil of smoke. I didn’t hear the scream for my escape because my ears were blocked by the noise of sorrow. I wasn’t able to speak because my mouth was sealed with a thread of cotton.
The battle has began and I will be in the field for as long as I’ll live. I decided that I will fight for my life, fight for my dreams, fight to be a better me. The thoughts of what lies beyond my imagination, beyond what I can comprehend will always be there, in a corner, waiting for a vulnerable moment to attack. But I will be ready and I will win to tell another story.
Fear of the unknown, the fear of the uncertainty, has big roots among us all. You can either let it define you or you can learn from it. What will it be?
“I’ve learned that fear limits you and your vision. It serves as blinders to what may be just a few steps down the road for you. The journey is valuable, but believing in your talents, your abilities, and your self-worth can empower you to walk down an even brighter path. Transforming fear into freedom – how great is that?” – Soledad O’Brien