Fear of letting go

Letting go of people, relationships, memories, things changes you and it certainly changed me. It alters your perception upon that loss. The way you choose to see it will define you.

Until now I am fortunate enough to say that I didn’t have to watch a loved one die and it breaks my heart to know that someday it will happen. I shouldn’t cry for events that didn’t occur but I still do it sometimes. I am scared of losing my closest ones. I must not do that anymore and I should focus my attention in spending more time with them. What good could come from worrying over something that has yet to happen? It will only feed the monster inside me and I should not let it grow any bigger.

At night it is the hardest. At night all my deepest fears start trembling inside my tiny little body. At night the darkness inside me meets the darkness that surrounds me. How to control my feelings? How to change my perception of loss? How to break this pattern? Maybe, just maybe, in time it will get easier to confront my monster, the one that is always hungry for my soul. It is never enough for him and it will never be. Well, from now on he’ll be on a diet because I plan on restricting the meals! Step by step I will try to channel my thoughts in a more positive way, in a way that he will no longer be able to expand.

I have to let go of these fictional “memories” that my mind is creating. They are not real and they may never be. This is a lot harder than letting go of things. That area was the easiest part of my declutering journey. When the memories and people stage came I stumbled a lot. This year I had to let go of a good old friend, one of my best friends. We somehow disconnected and drifted apart. It is hard until this day to accept it. How to let her go? How to accept the fact that she is no longer part of my life? Today I am left with the hope that maybe one day we will connect again.

Don’t love objects, but instead appreciate what you have. Objects are meant to make your life easier. They are replaceable. We tend to keep lots of things because we are afraid that we might lose the memory behind it. I believe that the important events will always be remembered, no matter what happens. So don’t be scared to free yourself from the burden of taking care of things you no longer wish to do so.

My final advice is to try and appreciate everyone around you so you will never have to wish for a second chance. Sounds a bit like a cliché but the rhythm of how we live our life is getting more dynamic and we tend to neglect what is right underneath our eyes. Don’t cry for moments that haven’t happened, you will have plenty of time to do that when and if they will happen. Try to appreciate the present. You still have today, tomorrow is left uncertain.

“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.” ― C. JoyBell C.

Love, D.

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