My birthday

This month I will be celebrating my birthday. I don’t know how to feel about it. Everything is so strange now. Time had passed and had frozen at the same time. Is this even possible? Is time real? Am I real?

I feel old; I am getting older each day. People around me say I am young and still have time. Do I? Twenty four years feel like twenty four days. So much had happened yet so little was accomplished.

Do I have a purpose? Do I matter in this chaos? Does my existence has a meaning at all? Should I celebrate? What should I be celebrating? Life? Love?

These questions torment my soul. Should I stop asking them or should I keep searching? What if the search will destroy me? What if there is no answer or I am not strong enough for it?

I feel like I always was and always will be. I cannot comprehend a time where I will no longer exist. Before I was born I had no consciousness, no thoughts, no feelings. There was no happiness or sadness. No one mattered to me and I mattered to nobody.

Having everything today and realizing that it will turn into ashes someday is scary. One hundred years from now on I will be completely forgotten; erased like I never existed. Nothing I ever felt or did will be remembered anymore. Who I was will be buried and the cycle will continue.

Life will go on perfectly fine without me. The sun will rise and set again. Nothing will change. People will still follow their routines. Babies will be born and others will die. I am just a small part in this process; I am just an old soul living in a young body.

“It takes a long time to become young.” – Pablo Picasso

Love, D.

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