Now, as I am just writing this, I can feel it in every bone and pulsating in every cell. This moment is completely perfect. My boyfriend, mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, uncle, friends and others are ALIVE. I can still hug them; I can still tell them I love them; I can still feel their touch. Yes, this is perfection.
Never in my life have I lost someone strongly dear to my heart. My mind fails to understand the concept of loss, the concept of death. My souls trembles just at the thought of it. I want to keep my loved ones safe and to protect them against anything painful.
Why can’t I stop this? Why can’t I keep this perfect moment forever? I feel powerless and week against this cursed destiny. My screams have no sound, my hands and my feet are numb. This fight wasn’t made for me to have a chance to win. I am still standing yet I’ve fallen. I am broken in a perfect way.
Nothing matters more in life then the ones you love. There isn’t any kind of objects that can ever come close in a comparison. I was focused so much in accumulating things over the years that I miserably failed to see the perfect picture of still having all your close people alive and well. They were the ones that mattered. They are still the ones that matter.
So why do I let the perfect moments slip away and I fill my head with useless thoughts? All my life I chased perfection, in every way I could ever think of. There was always something that could have been better; “that could have been perfect”. Well, here I am now, attributing a different meaning to perfection.
Perfection: gratefulness and appreciation. Two words that include a lot others. Two words that have the power to “freeze” time because when you feel them, they wake you up from a deep sleep.
I know I act like a zombie sometimes; that I have very little control over my emotions. I also want to change that. At least as much as I can. I want to be there for the ones I love. I want to love them as much as I am able to do so.
Death to me is the worst punishment. I can’t fight it and I can’t accept the loss. I am stuck in between. There is one thing I can do and that is to make a wish, a powerful wish, for it to come as late as possible in life. Until that very end, I want to paint just perfect moments in my mind.
“Nothing is permanently perfect. But there are perfect moments and the will to choose what will bring about more perfect moments.” ― Mary Balogh,