Struggling with depression

I haven’t wrote in a while and I am not sure if I should write this post right now. For the past months I have been struggling with depression. Ever since I started to question the nature of my reality, my life became miserable. I even went to see a therapist but it is too expensive for me to continue seeing her. My whole life is collapsing.

I did everything by the book; like I was told to do. They said I will be happy when school will be over. They said that I will earn a lot if I will learn very good in school/high-school/college. They said life will be beautiful. So I listened. They are my parents and my grandparents. They know better; they should know better. So I listened.

After I finished school I went to a very good high-school in my city, focusing on mathematics and informatics. I was always among the first in my class. Afterwards I went to college to pursue law and when I graduated I realized it is not for me. Since then I have worked only in the corporate industry. Basically, I have been a desk rat for the last 3 years of my life.

I hate it. I hate all of it and it is draining out every drop of life I have left in me. The payment sucks and will not get better anytime soon. I work for 515€ net per month. It is incredible low after all these years of studying. Even though I earn double the minimum wage it’s still not enough. The price for food is almost the same with other countries that have bigger minimum wages. Trying to eat healthy is a big struggle. How can I pay a therapist that charges 20€ per hour when I earn 4.5€ gross per hour?

Not only that my wage is small but the nature of my work is killing me. I am stuck in a very repetitive and stupid task that can be done by anyone. I have tried to be creative and to optimize some processes but no appreciation was shown towards the work I did. I am getting tired of the corporate world and its rules. If I leave this corporation that I work for and will work for another one, then I will end up in the same “place”. I worked so far in 3 different big corporations and I am tired of this world.

I am not expecting anyone to be able to give me the answers that I am searching for. I need to be strong and to find the meaning on my on. Something tell me that I will find what makes me happy but I just can’t see the end of this mind state. Right now my life lacks any purpose and I feel like everything I did was in vain. I will die someday and will lose everything so what’s the point of struggling to survive? My belief system has crushed and now I have none.

I will still be gone for a while and I don’t know when and if I will return to blogging. Until then I want to thank everyone for their comments and for reading my posts.

“I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.” ― Ned Vizzini, It’s Kind of a Funny Story

Love, D.

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